It is unbelievably hard to let go of friends. Even though these people weren't true friends, the love for them lingers in your heart. I suppose that feeling of love is beneficial when trying to forgive someone, but it also leaves a lot of hurt to work through. And once you've sorted through every feeling you have for someone and come to terms with the fact that they aren't real friends, you constantly want to go back for more. You think that if you give them more chances to prove themselves that they will rise to the occasion. But it never really works out that way. If someone hurts you once or twice it isn't too far of a stretch to say that it will happen again.
I've had friendships that have fizzled out and lost connection, and broken relationships that have done the same. But letting go of a friendship in which I am deeply connected to someone is a totally different ball game. The first time I ever had to face this struggle was about two years ago. I had to cut ties with a girl I'd known for over five years. We had been best friends on and off throughout that time. Our friendship had almost always been an uphill battle. I felt a very deep connection to her, which is why I always went back and tried to make it work. We did absolutely everything together and shared every facet of our lives with one another. One consequence of spending so much time together was that eventually we would always get tired of each other and have a massive blowout. I think that happened three or four times and each time the fight was worse. We would spend weeks or months without speaking to one another and then finally one of us would cave and try to restore the friendship. Looking back, I think the problem was that every time we started over, one or both of us would enter the friendship with lingering resentment and no trust. It got to the point that our lives became so wrapped in gossip and lies, that we became extremely paranoid and began blaming each other for unrelated problems. After one of our largest arguments we didn't speak for a year until we were suddenly forced back together by a series of unfortunate events. We were forced to get along and forced to be friends again. So the false friendship that began was very strained. I always felt like I was walking on eggshells, or waiting for a bomb to explode. I was afraid to be alone with her, afraid to speak to her family, and afraid that I would do or say something to suddenly ignite the fire. Another downside was that we shared all the same friends. They all knew both sides of the story and felt forced to choose. Some of them even ran back and forth with gossip as if they were feeding off the drama. Long story short, our friendship ended with a massive explosion and I'm sure I don't know half of what was being said and going on during that time.
This whole experience has taught me that a forced friendship will never last. You both have to forgive one another and let go of all past grievances before anything can be restored. I would never advise anyone to re-enter a friendship that was full of major issues. In the words of a pastors wife I know, "forgiving someone doesn't mean you have to go back for more". I have been working to forgive this girl for everything that happened, and it has been far from easy. I know that we both equally share the blame for what happened, so I have also worked to forgive myself for a lot of the things I did to her. I understand now that even though we relate to each other and have so many shared interests, the deepest parts of our personalities clash. Our friendship just isn't meant to be.
I still love this girl as a person, and she crosses my mind from time to time. I saw her for the first time since our last blowout a few months ago. She looked a little different and because of where we were and the circumstances surrounding her, I tried to judge her. I tried to think of nasty things I could say about her and tried to imagine how crappy her life must be now. I assumed that she was probably doing the same to me. Suddenly I realized how out of line my thoughts were. I have no right to judge her or anyone else. I have no idea what she has had to endure during these past couple years. Most importantly, I have no idea what kind of person her experiences have shaped her into. I see that I still have a some more steps to take towards letting go of resentment and embracing forgiveness. One thing that has really been helping me is prayer. I'm on a continuous journey to get closer to God, so why not include this girl in my prayers. So I checkup on her time to time from a distance and pray for her and all the things I know she is going through.
There is still some work to do to mend that hurt, but I am working towards releasing my burdens and moving forward with the present. I hope that she is doing the same, and that she knows I love her as a person and hope that she finds true happiness.
Now I am coming to a similar situation. I have another long term friend that I have had troubles with. These arguments haven't been nearly as large. They have been more like silent inner struggles. Since I have learned so much from that last experience, I am very seriously considering things. Is this friendship really worth reliving all that pain? Maybe the fact that I can ask that question gives me my answer. This one will be even harder to let go of, but I sure won't miss all of them let downs. No one deserves to be treated poorly. I don't want her to treat me poorly, and I'm afraid that despite my best efforts, I could end up treating her poorly. Maybe it's time to continue living our lives on very separate paths. We can continue to love one another as distant acquaintances and be connected through prayer.
